Is there more to lifting than being really, really ridiculously good looking? - a discussion on the whys and wherefores of weight training

"Trying to get big muscles, are you?" That's what the nurse asked a 17 year old me, wincing like a little bitch, whilst she drilled through my black big toe nail, setting forth a pretty impressive spurt of blood. I'd been playing silly buggers in the gym the day before, tried to roll a 20 kg plate out of my way and ended up dropping it on the very end of my toe. I was thinking about this not-so-fun ordeal the other day whilst looking at my mangled nail and  remembered the nurse's attempt at small talk to distract me from my Evil Dead-esque toe. Of course, back then I knew nothing and her assessment of why I was dicking around with weights was spot on, but that's far from the only reason someone should step into the weights room.

Ask someone about their image of people that lift weights and more often than not their first answer mentions something of vanity, whether they point to oiled up dudes posing in little budgie-smugglers or something akin to the tanned, posturing, vacuous wastes of sperm from Jersey Shore. In truth, there are countless goals people look to achieve through weight training and a huge variety of benefits that people from all walks of life can gain from hitting the iron.

Yeah, if you guys could just cease to exist, that would be great

In our funny little lifting sub-culture, there are 4 main competitive sports (powerlifting, Olympic lifting, strongman and bodybuilding) which are either pure lifting events, or deeply rooted in the world of weights. The people that have an interest in these sports will almost always become avid lifters or conversely, many fledgling iron disciples will find themselves drawn to one or more of these sports. These groups hardly need me to extol the virtues of lifting weights, so what follows is more of a quick primer on each for the uninitiated.

In powerlifting, the competitors (usually huge, bearded, grizzled, half-man, half-bear hybrids) take 3 attempts at each the squat, bench press and deadlift, aiming to lift the biggest weights they can. The competitor that successfully lifts the most weight in all 3 lifts combined in their weight class is declared the winner and general alpha.

I was in no way lying about these guys being part bear

Some competitors are more easy on the eye

Olympic lifting (sometimes, slightly confusingly, known as weightlifting), is unsurprisingly the strength sport which is contested in the Olympics, in addition to more regularly held competitions. It is similar to powerlifting in that competitors get 3 attempts to move the biggest weight they can for each lift and the biggest combined total at the end wins. Here there are only 2 lifts, both concerned with putting the weight overhead; the clean and jerk, in which the weight is moved from floor to overhead in two separate movements and the snatch, which is one movement. I don't know who named the movements, but on behalf of childish weight trainees worldwide, well played.

Pulling a hilarious face is an integral part of the lift

Most people are somewhat aware of strongman contests such as The World's Strongest Man, in which meat titans compete in a variety of strength and power events and generally look bloody awesome whilst doing so.   Common events include moving gigantic weights over a certain distance in the shortest time possible (farmer's walks and the yoke), pressing huge weights overhead (log or axle presses), pulling cars/trucks/buses/obese people on mobility scooters, deadlifting for reps, loading huge stones onto raised platforms (Atlas stones), fighting rhinos and destroying small towns. Basically, they find shit that is impossible for the average man to move, then get these behemoths to chuck it around for your entertainment.

Maybe not the sport for everyone, still really fucking cool.

Everyone knows what bodybuilding is; from the golden era of Arnie et al. to the mass monsters of today, the aesthetic ideal has changed a fair bit, but the general idea remains the same: build muscle, lose fat, strip to your skimpies, pose on stage and get judged on how good you look. Some may think today's bodybuilders look a bit messed up - all big, swole and veiny - like if a boner was a person. Whilst I'd probably tend to agree with you there, bodybuilding is a sport that takes huge, huge dedication, so I've got nothing but respect for guys that compete. There's also a bunch of different divisions now, in which not everyone looks like a human chode. For men there's natural bodybuilding (i.e. not juicy), in which competitors are less monstrous and thus probably more appealing to the average person, and men's physique in which the emphasis is more on aesthetics, less on pure size and definition. Women also get involved; there's women's bodybuilding which is generally a bit scary, women's physique in which the emphasis is on shape, symmetry and definition, and women's bikini which is most men's favourite on lonely nights in.

I don't wanna sound gay or nothin', but those are some good looking fellas.

I feel this is needed. For balance.

In terms of competitive outlets for those that love lifting weights, these are the main routes, but this isn't a complete list; there's things I haven't covered like the Highland Games, which is guys who like to wear dresses (I'm not judging) throwing weights as far or high as they can. There's also Crossfit, which people seem to like, but I'll save my ranting about that whole cult(ure) for another time.

You may now be thinking something along the lines of "I don't give a crap about tanning up and posing in front of judges or pushing my body to lift metric fuck tonnes, why should normal people care about lifting?" Firstly I would commend you on phrasing the question that way, and secondly I would say to read on.

If you play sports, there are very few sports in which your performance will not benefit form putting in some hours with the weights. Need to run faster or jump higher? Weight training will increase your maximal power output and let you do just that; there is even proof that strength and power training improves 3 and 5 km run times, if the slow torture of distance running is your thing. If you play any sport that requires contact, the double benefit of increasing your power and adding muscle to essentially act as body armour makes weight training pretty much indispensable. I don't care how skilled you are at Rugby, if you're 70 kg soaking wet, you are going to get absolutely smashed playing with the big boys, so you better get lifting. Even footballers, the oft mocked skinny boys, can absolutely benefit from strength and power training; just tell me you don't want to play like Akinfenwa.

Would you want to try stop a shot by this man?

What about us non-athletes? I hear the over-dramatic among you cry. Well the good stuff keeps coming. You, like almost everyone, probably want to lose some fat or 'firm up' for summer, well weight training (with a good diet) is the most efficient way to do that. This is because your metabolism is boosted after a heavy weights session as your body repairs your muscles, leading to you burning more calories while sitting around watching The Valleys or some other such shite; the best part being that this extra energy expenditure comes mostly from fat. Due to this metabolism raising effect, weight training generally represents a more time efficient form of calorie burning versus steady-state cardio style training.

You also can't tell me that you enjoy a 40 minute monotonous slog on a treadmill, screw that. Instead go for 40 minutes of heavy squats, presses and rows any day and take the added benefits of added strength (which makes most things in life easier), building muscle (which in itself raises your metabolism just by being there, as well as making you look better), increased bone density, stronger tendons and ligaments (leading to less chance of injury), lower blood pressure, better blood glucose control ....I could keep going but I'll save you and put it simply. Lifting weights is the unabashed balls for anyone, male or female, young or old, who wants to lose fat, 'tone up' or just improve general health markers.

...or lift because this old dude is making you look fat and weak.

Another great aspect of lifting is the mental benefits. There's no doubt that seeing your body transform is a seriously motivating thing and is going to do wonders for your confidence and self esteem. I'm not saying it's a good thing if you turn into a narcissistic dick-bag, but a happy middle ground of being comfortable in your own body definitely is. Then there is the benefit of stress relief; if you have had a shit day, turning that anger into brute force and throwing some metal around is an incredibly satisfying release. Exercise also triggers endorphins to be secreted, which bio-chemically improves your mood (as well as reducing the risk of depression) making you an all around happier person for having a good workout.

A thing that I like about a powerful workout (although this is fairly likely just me being weird) is the feeling of just going primal, getting in touch with the human animal. We humans as a species have descended into a pretty poor state; the chubby, weak, office-bound physical wrecks many of us currently are pales in comparison to the hunter gatherers of a bygone age. Evolutionary biology has the tongue in cheek model of  the things that we as a species are programmed to do, the three Fs - feed, fuck and fight. I won't discuss the first two here, but I'm hoping they are past-times you all enjoy. The third, however, not a lot of us are in touch with (martial arts enthusiasts and anti-social cock holes aside). In my odd little mind, putting your thoughts and worries aside and throwing all your effort and will at an inanimate lump of metal is a good way to keep a bit of that primal spirit alive in you, whilst not getting sectioned. I realise I might sound like a bloody whack job saying this, so I'm going to drop in a fitting quote from an undoubtedly great mind to attempt to back up my ramblings:

Civilised life has altogether grown too tame, and, if it is to be stable, it must provide harmless outlets for the impulses which our remote ancestors satisfied in hunting - Bertrand Russell

Okay, maybe he wasn't talking about lifting per se, but it fits, so fuck you, I'm using it. My point is, there is something raw and just plain awesome about exerting full force, screaming, shouting and giving the weight everything you have got. Sure, it's not quite as awesome as spearing an antelope and carrying it home to feed your tribe, but most zoos frown on that sort of thing. 

Probably not a historically accurate depiction of a cave woman, but a lot better to look at.

The thing is with lifting, it can be a means to an end or an end in itself. Lift because you want to be stronger for next rugby season, lift because you want to improve your 400 m time, lift to increase your numbers for your next powerlifting contest, lift to blow off some steam after a hard day, lift to keep your body from getting frail with age, lift because you simply enjoy it or just lift to look fucking sexy when you get naked.

There aren't many wrong reasons to decide to pick up a weight, but there are a hell of a lot of good ones.