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| He is starting to look like a caricature of himself that came to life. |
Anyway, back to cooking. Cooking is really easy. Some people can't fathom cooking for the life of them; those people are called idiots. If you can't steam or stir fry some veggies and roast/pan-fry/grill some meat until it is passed the point at which ingestion will make for an inadvertent colon cleanse, then I cannot help you. I feel that the basics should be intuitive and/or learned through some simple experimentation, but that is probably vastly overestimating many people's intuition and experimental aptitude. Thus if you are the type that can burn soup, maybe consult a book or two on the basics before you unleash yourself on the kitchen. A degree of competency in the kitchen is however pretty much essential for health, physique or performance minded people, as the vast majority of conveniently available food is sorely lacking in nutritional punch required to meet your goals. A conveyor-belt assembled chicken sandwich, a pack of prawn cocktail crisps and a coke is the lunch of of a depressed office worker, not the lunch of champions.
Of course on the flip side there is the commonly held (and not unwarranted) assertion that all fitness-minded folk will take their tupperware everywhere and joylessly chow down on tasteless chicken breast, broccoli and rice on the clock. Whilst this is true of many, and in fact most meals should be consisting of variation on the theme of protein and vegetables with or without a starch (depending on goals, timing and activity levels); the food needn't be tasteless or the act of eating joyless. Therefore what I'm going to give you in this mini-series is a not a how-to-cook guide, rather a bunch of recipes, preparation tips and ideas, so the food that makes you look and feel good, can taste good as well.
Of course on the flip side there is the commonly held (and not unwarranted) assertion that all fitness-minded folk will take their tupperware everywhere and joylessly chow down on tasteless chicken breast, broccoli and rice on the clock. Whilst this is true of many, and in fact most meals should be consisting of variation on the theme of protein and vegetables with or without a starch (depending on goals, timing and activity levels); the food needn't be tasteless or the act of eating joyless. Therefore what I'm going to give you in this mini-series is a not a how-to-cook guide, rather a bunch of recipes, preparation tips and ideas, so the food that makes you look and feel good, can taste good as well.
Sauces, marinades and other flavour saviours
A good sauce to slather over your meat and veg (hey now) can save the most boring of meals. Firstly I will hold my hands up and say that it's very hard to beat Sriracha sauce; if you have not tried Sriracha sauce, then the most important thing you can take from this article is this: Go and get some Sriracha sauce. You may be asking "but what is this unpronounceable condiment?"; basically, imagine ketchup was made with mild chillies and a hint of garlic in place of tomatoes. Now imagine a sauce that shits all over whatever you were just thinking in every conceivable way; I'd go on but The Oatmeal does a much better job of describing the joys of Sriracha than I ever could.
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| Sriracha: like thousands of tiny sexy devils dancing on your tastebuds |
Chimichurri - this Argentinian garlic and herb sauce is a revelation, similar to salsa verde but better all around, once you've had it, a steak sandwich will seem incomplete without it. This is slightly more calorific than some options on here, but between the olive oil's heart healthy monounsaturates, anti-oxidant phenolic and polyphenol compounds from the oil and the parsley, and the cholesterol reducing, anti-cancer, legitimate superfood properties of garlic; this sauce packs a load of health benefits.
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| Serving suggestion. Strongly suggested. |
- a couple of red chillies (to taste)
- 8-12 garlic cloves
- 2 large handfuls of parsley (or coriander for a variant)
- 2 heaped teaspoons dried or fresh oregano
- 2 heaped teaspoons dried or fresh mint
- 2 teaspoons salt
- about 100 ml red wine or sherry vinegar
- about 100 ml extra virgin olive oil
Peel the garlic, chuck everything in a food blender and blitz until well chopped but slightly chunky. Alternatively chop for hours and do it by hand. This will keep at least a couple of weeks in a sealed container in the fridge as the garlic and vinegar will kill most things, it also tastes best after a couple of days as the flavours seem to develop. If you like spice use more chillies, if you like your garlic, add more of that. If you are weak and want a less punchy sauce, cooking the garlic beforehand will greatly cut down on the 'bite' of the sauce and give it a much more mellow, almost nutty flavour, however any Argentinians that hear about you doing this will probably slap you. Either way, spoon liberally onto any meat and enjoy.
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| Individual results may vary |
- 200 g tomato paste
- 75 ml cider vinegar
- 75 ml water
- 3-5 teaspoons (or tabs) sweetener (I use Stevia for pretty much everything, alternatively any other sweetener or sugar will do, but amounts required will likely vary)
- 3-4 teaspoons soy sauce
- 3-4 teaspoons smoked paprika (or more)
- 1-2 teaspoons onion powder
- Cayenne pepper/chilli paste/some ridiculously hot hot sauce (to taste)
Mix everything, tasting and adjusting as you go. You can chuck it in a sauce pan, bring it to a simmer and stir well for 10 minutes to give it a better texture, but to be honest I'm usually too lazy for this. For heat I bought the absolute hottest hot sauce I could find, the type that doesn't convey much flavour other than fire, so I could add literally a teaspoon or two to a whole batch of BBQ sauce and get a bit of heat without any extra flavours. I put this on pretty much any savoury food, so my serving recommendations are pretty broad: meat, veg, sandwiches, rice, whatever. While this tastes delicious, the tomatoes will give you a significant intake of lycopene, which is a powerful antioxidant and protects cardiovascular function, and the combo of tomatoes and paprika makes for a shit load of vitamin A, which will benefit vision and immune response. I'm just some dreadlocks, a good tan and a bad song away from getting a deal on Dragon's Den out of this.
Korean(ish) sauce - This is my new obsession now I'm bored of making BBQ sauce; the taste isn't a million miles away from BBQ, bringing sweet, savoury and spicy together, just with a lot more garlic. Again, I tend to just intuitively chuck together ingredients to make a big batch of this, tasting and altering as I go.
Tzatziki - A counter to the above fiery, flavour packed options. Tzatziki is a cool, mellow Greek dip/sauce that is ridiculously easy to make and you can use as a far less calorific, better tasting alternative to mayo.Korean(ish) sauce - This is my new obsession now I'm bored of making BBQ sauce; the taste isn't a million miles away from BBQ, bringing sweet, savoury and spicy together, just with a lot more garlic. Again, I tend to just intuitively chuck together ingredients to make a big batch of this, tasting and altering as I go.
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| This is apparently Korea's premier fitness model, therefore this photo is relevant. |
- 100 ml light soy sauce
- 100 ml rice vinegar (or cider vinegar with some sweetener of choice)
- 100 ml tomato paste
- 40 ml sesame oil
- At least 8 minced garlic cloves or 2-3 tsp garlic powder
- To taste minced chillies/chilli paste/cayenne pepper (these can vary hugely in heat from type to type, so add a bit, taste and repeat)
- To taste sweetener (again, sweetness will vary depending on whether you use sugar/stevia/sucralose etc.)
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| Fuelled by tzatziki ...maybe. |
- 350g low fat thick Greek yoghurt
- 1 cucumber
- Juice of 1 lemon or 2 tablespoons lemon juice
- 2 garlic cloves
- Pinch of salt
Peel and grate the garlic finely, peel the cucumber, remove the seeds, grate finely and give it a good squeeze to get some of the juice out. Now throw everything in a bowl, mix around and enjoy. Beyond being nice and calorie light, if you use a decent Greek yogurt this has a modest protein boost, a decent amount of calcium and a bit of potassium and vitamin K from the cucumber, so your muscles, bones and heart get a benefit as well as your boring ass meals.
Cheater's BBQ meat marinade/slow cooking liquor - I call this "cheater's" because the fact that this makes meat taste super good essentially piggy backs on the fact that Cherry Coke/Dr. Pepper tastes pretty damn good. The soda confers sweetness and acidity to the marinade and due to the phosphoric acid content, actually helps to tenderise the meat slightly. If you are using this as a marinade, cover your chicken/beef/pork in it and leave for anywhere between a few hours and a whole day before frying/grilling/baking. If you are using this for slow cooking, pre-sear some meat, throw it in the slow cooker, cover in the tasty tasty liquid and cook. I use this to make pulled pork by cooking trimmed and seared pork shoulder for 8-10 hours on low and if I may say so myself, it is God damned delicious.
All the below 'measurements' are very approximate and are more 'best guesses' than actual guidelines.
- 200 ml Diet Cherry Coke or Dr. Pepper
- 3-5 teaspoons smoked paprika
- 2 finely minced garlic cloves or 1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
- 1/2 teaspoon chilli powder
- 1/4 teaspoon cumin
- 1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
- 1/2 teaspoon black Pepper
- 2 teaspoons salt
Simple stir-fry sauce - Stir frys are a quick easy and healthy (as long as they don't get too oily) food option. To minimise the use of cooking oil, I tend to go for a steam/stir-fry hybrid, cooking chopped vegetables in a wok with a splash of water, refreshing if the wok goes dry. Once I have almost-cooked veg and little-to-no water remaining, I'll throw in chopped pre-cooked meat, rice or noodles and a sauce not unlike the below. I'm sure this isn't an authentic recipe, but it tastes good.
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- 50 ml light soy sauce
- 50 ml rice vinegar (or cider vinegar with a bit of extra sweetener of choice)
- 1 minced garlic clove or 1/2 tsp garlic powder
- ~2 tsp minced ginger or 1/2 tsp ground ginger
- 1-2 tsp cornstarch mixed in ~50 ml water
- Sweetener (if desired)
This is really easy to throw together and makes a good base sauce, but feel free to add more fun ingredients: chilli, galangal, lemongrass, coriander, Thai basil, Chinese 5 spice, fish sauce, oyster sauce, sesame oil, coconut milk, peanut butter, lemon zest; variations are plentiful.
You may be wondering what purpose the cornstarch serves, at high temperatures this will form a gel, which forms a sauce with thickness and body that will coat your food, as opposed to a watery sauce that will pool at the bottom of your bowl. For the most part this sauce doesn't even need to be pre-mixed, just have the ingredients on hand and throw them in one by one, adding the cornstarch solution last and then stir like a mad man (or woman).
So there we are, a few ideas to inject some life into your food. Anyone eating dry chicken breast or limp tasteless vegetables now has no excuse.
