How do you make a hormone? - Part 2: Testosterone

See Part 1 for the hilarious punchline and discussions on the role of leptin in your body and the importance of controlling it.

This part will tackle the manliest of manly man hormones, Testosterone. As much as we think of testosterone as ball power, it is important for the fairer sex as well, so don't stop reading here if you think this article isn't important for you due to your lack of sack.

Testosterone is probably the most well known androgenic steroid hormone and one that mediates a host of processes to do with boners, being horny and other such fun business, but it is responsible for far more than that. How about this for a list of the effects of increasing testosterone: Promotion of muscle size and strength, fat loss, increased bone density, better insulin sensitivity, more energy, elevations of mood and some minor cognitive increases. These are surely attractive effects regardless of gender, furthermore, ladies can rest assured, achieving T levels anything near those that lead to you having a voice like a sub-woofer, a jaw like Brad Pitt and hair appearing in new places is literally impossible naturally.

Don't worry, this isn't going to happen without boat loads of roids. Now where is my eye bleach?

The bio-synthesis of testosterone and the upstream and downstream modes of action and signalling are horrendously complicated, so I will be assuming you don't want to be overwhelmed by heavy science, just as much as I don't want to pretend to understand all of it. So let's move ahead with the practical side; more testosterone means a more muscular, leaner, happier you. Unfortunately, our generation is suffering from a drop in T levels; turns out your Granddad wasn't just more of a man than you because he fought in the war, T levels were actually higher on average back then, with one study showing there has been an average age corrected drop in T levels of 17% over the past 20 years. A portion of this is due to environmental factors that are largely beyond our control (or would cost you a shit load to attempt to rectify) such as air and water contaminants. There are a few things we can do to do bump our T levels back up though; before anyone thinks I'm about to reveal secrets which will unleash your inner hulk and make you irresistible to the opposite sex, bear in mind that natural T increases are always fairly modest, unless your levels are currently in the toilet. The less of the following you currently do, the more positive changes you will notice from implementing them, but being a realist, I feel the need to tell you that feeling like you've just been injected with super soldier serum and are about to become the most annoyingly patriotic of all superheroes is highly unlikely.

Go fix your country's government, you smug prick

Without further adieu, here is a list of things you can and should do to make sure you body's natural testosterone production is optimised and as such, be as lean, jacked and tanned as you can be. (Note: testosterone doesn't make you tanned, but you should be anyway, because who doesn't want to be tanned?)

Lift some heavy-ass weights
I say this so often I'm starting to annoy myself, it's pretty much the unifying theme throughout everything I write, so if you are not lifting (or considering lifting) heavy-ass weights, please leave. Lifting should be focussed on complex lifts which use a large portion of your body's muscles to get the most T bang for you buck and volume should be fairly high to give your body a stimulus to which to adapt. Lifting things in pretty much any fashion has been shown to increase T, but research does indicate that keeping rest intervals fairly short (90-120 seconds) may lead to the largest rise in T levels.

LIGHT WEIGHT!!

Sleep
Sleep is vital to normal hormonal secretions, if you are lacking sleep, your cortisol (a stress response hormone) levels will be high, which has knock on effects, lowering T. Get some good quality sleep for at least 7 hours a night, get huge. Speaking of getting good quality sleep, the next point may help...

Have more sex (alternatively get friendly with yourself more often)
and make it good! We all sort of know testosterone and sex are linked in some way, but people tend to not realise that whoever designed us did us a big favour on this one. Sex, or more specifically orgasms, increase testosterone in both sexes, so you can get the benefits whether playing solo or partnering up. Ignore the stories about boxers not having sex before fights to raise their T levels, if any do in fact do this, they are either misguided or doing it just so they get angry as fuck; the research actually says the opposite, forgoing orgasm leads to a fall in testosterone. I'm not sure students really need more incentive to get to copulating like dirty little rabbits, but there it is. Get laid, get gains.

A helpful visual demonstration

Get tanned (no, really)
I mentioned this in my supplement article; Vitamin D is super important. It positively correlates with testosterone levels in men and women, so either supplement with it or get some sun to make it yourself.

She wants the D. Vitamin D.

Make sure you've got the minerals
Specifically Zinc, Magnesium and Selenium (in decreasing order of importance); all are needed for the bio-synthesis of T and are regularly lacking in our diets. You can cover your bases with pills or for more fun can eat loads of red meat (for zinc), seafood (for zinc and selenium), nuts (Brazils are best, for magnesium and selenium) and spinach (for magnesium, zinc and turning you into Popeye).

The candy man can't
Large intakes of simple carbs serve to spike blood sugar (this was covered in part 1), researchers found that the blood sugar spike from 75g of glucose dropped healthy men's T levels by up to 25%. If you're eating cereal for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch and pasta for dinner, your system is being hit with a lot of simple carbs, so your blood sugar is on a rollercoaster ride. In addition to this ruining your insulin and leptin sensitivity, therefore raising your diabetes risk and probably making you fat, it is keeping your T levels suppressed. Not good.

If she offers you some sugar, don't say no

Soy not good
Soy products aren't cool. They contain things called phytoestrogens, which mimic the actions of oestrogen (the female hormone) in your body, which is generally undesirable. Whilst meta-studies are inconclusive on whether soy products truly impact hormonal profile in a meaningful way, there are plenty of studies out there suggesting that they are no good for your T levels, so avoiding them is a good shout. Also most soy products taste damn nasty.

Just eat meat you hippies.

Eat Fat
Even saturates. Yep. Now before you argue, shut up and listen. Low fat, high fibre diets, as recommended by many health professionals that don't actually know a fucking thing, have been shown to drive your T levels into the ground. Whilst intake of saturated fat (think meat), monounsaturated fat (think nuts) and cholesterol (think meat and egg yolks) have all been found to positively correlate with testosterone production. Now don't get this twisted, I'm not telling you to go and drink butter in search of some barely perceptible T boost, I'm just saying low-fat is not a smart way to eat. In general, consume lots of dead animals and you're doing it right.

Don't be fat
Fatties have low T. Don't be fat. Eat right, move, lift, be sexy.

I love you Big, but you're setting a terrible example

Win.
This is good life advice in general, and hopefully not something you need to be told. What you might not know is that T levels will rise when we win a competition or dominance challenge and fall when we lose. Interestingly, this also happens vicariously, so if you're a passionate sports fan and your team keeps losing, your T might also be taking a beating. Man Utd fans might want to change loyalties at this point.

Winning isn't always clean.

That's all for today folks, now go be alpha as fuck.

How do you make a hormone? - Part 1: Leptin

The answer is "Don't pay her", in case you were wondering.

This will hopefully be the first part of a mini series of articles looking at various hormones that impact our health and physique goals, addressing their basic function in a very simplified way and discussing strategies to (naturally) manipulate them in our favour. I should stress the 'simplified' part of the preceding sentence; hormones work together in hugely complex ways that are still being studied, no single hormone operates in a vacuum, but we can still learn a lot looking at them individually. Sounds exciting doesn't it? Yes, it does. Now we begin with the most important hormone that you probably haven't heard of: Leptin.

Don't underestimate this curly little fella

Leptin is primarily synthesised in your white adipose tissue, in case you don't know, that means your wobbly stomach, bingo wings, double chin and jiggly arse. This in itself is pretty interesting as it was only fairly recently that white fat cells were found to be metabolically active, with the prevailing theory up until then being that they were nothing more than an energy store and padding (but I digress). Leptin is also produced by other organs (skeletal muscle, stomach, pituitary gland, liver), but fat is the dominant leptin maker in your body, meaning that circulating leptin levels are proportional to body fat levels.

I was going to put a fat person here, instead I put good looking people. You're welcome.

The main roles of leptin are the regulation of appetite, fat mass and energy expenditure. When leptin is sufficiently high, your appetite is in line with your ideal calorie intake and your metabolism hums along nicely. If leptin levels drop, things get a lot less fun as your appetite will shoot through the roof, cravings hit hard and and your body hits the brakes on your metabolism. Researchers have performed experiments on rats where they cause a mutation to the leptin producing gene so no leptin is secreted. The result was rats that never stopped eating and turned into hilarious little blobs, furthermore, their immune systems were depressed and their cholesterol, triglyceride and insulin levels were off the the charts (that's bad). So now you have probably realised that having low leptin is tantamount to having AIDS, possibly worse; the good news is that this terrible affliction is reversible. That's low leptin, not AIDS; I'm not a miracle worker.

Obese furry animals, unlike obese humans, are actually quite cute.

If you have been eating at (or slightly above) your hypothetical total daily energy expenditure (TDEE) number of calories for an extended period of time, the good news is that your leptin levels are likely fine. However, when undergoing caloric restriction you will find that you create a deficit, fat loss occurs quickly at first, but then leptin levels fall, fat loss gradually slows and then grinds to a halt. This, along with an increase in appetite spells doom for your diet. This makes perfect sense as an evolutionary survival mechanism; when there was no guarantee of food, a prolonged drop in caloric intake could mean the start of a famine so it would not be desirable for the human body to burn through all it's energy stores at a rapid pace. Rather they are conserved (so metabolism and thus fat oxidation rate drops) and signals are sent for the body to gather energy (so cravings for calorific foods hit). The problem these days is that us western world lot have it easy, we are generally too fat and looking at lean out and calorific food is everywhere; when we try to diet and leptin falls, the metabolism slowing is undesirable and the cravings are all-too-easy to succumb to.

Low leptin usually ends in a face full of delicious calorific crap

Through these mechanisms leptin maintains a steady fat mass in humans; the existence of a bodyfat 'set-point' (a body fat percentage which each individual gravitates towards, which generally requires a fair amount of effort to move from) has long been observed in the fitness community. This is because when your fat levels drop below your set point your metabolism falls and hunger increases, so without a strong diet strategy and/or a dose of man-the-fuck-up your body fat creeps back up. Conversely when you decide that abs are for gays, the 'power look' is cool and that Nutella and banana sandwiches are better than female attention (yes, that was my summer), your body fat levels increase along with leptin. This means your metabolism takes a step up and your appetite is blunted, bringing your weight back down (to 92 kg for-fucking-ever).

The food of Gods

If you are thinking that the answer to getting lean is a case of getting your leptin as high as possible, think again. Remember that leptin levels correlate with body fat, so obese people have sky high leptin levels; generally whatever is going on with obese people, we want to avoid. If you are constantly eating a large surplus, you will end up with similarly sky high leptin levels which can lead to your feedback system getting all sorts of messed up, with the currently believed mechanism being one of leptin resistance. This means your leptin receptors get desensitized, so the leptin that is secreted doesn't effectively deliver the message that you are 'fuelled' meaning you can be stuffing your face, but as your feedback system is broken, your body essentially 'lets' you keep eating and doesn't increase metabolism or blunt appetite sufficiently (as would occur in an individual with a fully functioning leptin receptors).

So, as is almost always the case with hormones, balance is what we are after. Fortunately for you fantastic readers, scientists and fitness experts have a pretty good idea of how best to achieve this balance:

A fine example of someone not being fat.

1. Don't be fat.
   This is generally good advice for life but specifically in the scope of leptin, being fat means very high leptin levels, which likely means leptin resistance and a screwed up feedback system, keeping you fat. Leptin resistance will decrease with loss of body fat and exercise, so these should be a priority (as they should be anyway if you are fat).
2. Perform high intensity training
   Heavy weights are the preference here, but high intensity cardio such as sprints, circuits, short-distance swimming, combat sport training etc. all also work. The key is intensity, this leads to a release of growth hormone, which has been shown to regulate leptin levels (as well as have a whole host of other positive effects which will be addressed in a future article).
3. Get sufficient sleep
   At least 6 hours, preferable 8. Sleep is important for the optimal function of pretty much every hormone. Studies show that a lack of sleep leads to leptin falling below optimal levels, stimulating appetite and reducing metabolic rate.
   
   
   
   
4. Don't regularly eat fuck tonnes of simple carbs
   Smashing your fat face full of carby goodies is fun. I have experienced this. However, this leads to a big spike in blood sugar, which leads to a big spike in insulin, which leads to a rise in leptin. Do this regularly enough and you start becoming leptin resistant, not to mention insulin resistant, which is the fast road to type II diabetes. Not good.
5. When dieting to reduce body fat, implement re-feeds
   Leptin levels dropping are an unavoidable side effect of dieting, what we need to do is limit the extent of this drop as much as possible. This is best achieved with periodic re-feeds; these are planned increases in calories (coming predominately from glucosidic carbs) which serves to bump leptin levels up significantly. How often and how large in magnitude these should be depends on a variety of factors including how lean you currently are, how large your caloric deficit and how long said deficit has been running. The leaner you are, the bigger your deficit and the longer you have been running a deficit, the more often and calorific your re-feeds should be. Blanket prescriptions, as usual, are very handwavey. You can choose to refeed at set intervals, for example doubling your carb intake on one day per 7-10 days; alternatively you can track your weight loss, appetite and general feelings then refeed more intensely when you see weight loss stalling, appetite increasing and lethargy setting in.
   
   You may be thinking that refeeds present a sort of '3 steps forward, 1 step back' approach; in a way they do, in a way they don't. It is true that the refeeds days in and of themselves are not causing fat loss, however without them, calories would have to be cut more and more to see fat loss results, leaving you absolutely starved with a metabolism in the toilet. This is why crash dieting can lead to big weight gain after people lose a lot of weight through crash dieting. Their leptin levels are bottomed out, as is their metabolism and they are craving every delicious food under the sun. They then let themselves free on these foods and end up gaining all the weight back, regular with more. If you have got yourself into a mess like this, the answer is reverse dieting. You need to slowly add calories back in week by week to bring your leptin levels and metabolic rate back up without inducing a large amount of rebound fat gain.
   
   As all this has been a bit approximate, I'll give an example of a few hypothetical situations:
   A 6' 2.5'' 92kg, fairly lean, moderately attractive, large nosed gentleman wishes to lose fat. His TDEE is almost bang on 3000 calories, so he (smartly) decides on a 15% calorie deficit and eats 2550 calories a day. Hypothetically, 30% of these calories come from carbs, so he is eating 190g of carbs a day. He can either plan to have a day where he eats 380g carbs once every 7-10 days to keep his leptin levels high, or when he feels that fat loss is stalling and appetite is ramping up, he can have a couple of days where he eats 380g carbs, then go right back to eating at a deficit. If this hypothetical male wasn't such a geek who liked reading about human physiology, he might be clueless as to the workings of the leptin system, so when his fat loss stalls he cuts calories, then fat loss stalls again so he cuts calories again and so on. Before he knows it he is eating 1800 calories a day with no fat loss to show for it and feel like shit. To get out of this mess, he should slowly add calories back into his diet, for example eating 1850 calories a day for the next 3-5 days, then 1900 for a few days after that and so on until he is back up around his calculated TDEE for his weight and fat percentage. When he reaches this ideal amount of calories, he should eat at this level for at least 2-3 weeks to fully allow his metabolism to 'recover', then in future he shouldn't diet like such a retard and should read some science first. 

Take heed, hypothetical male.

So that's leptin. It's your friend, until it's your enemy. Like most things hormonal, it's a matter of balance, too low is bad, too high is also bad. Keep it in that happy middle ground; love your leptin and your leptin will love you, or at the very least it won't fuck you over.

Drop weight like an anchor, then you set sail

a.k.a. 'How to eat to be less fat'. The more poetic title comes from Pusha T in his song Raid (yes, he was talking about selling a load of coke and skipping town, but I like the metaphor). For those who enjoy my hip-hop suggestions along with my fitness ramblings; Pusha T is  formerly one half of Clipse, who made one of the best albums ever in 'Hell Hath No Fury'. Everyone should give it a listen.

Hell hath no fury like a woman on a diet

If you are reading this and are a human being living in the first world, there is a good chance you want to lose some body fat. Lots of us do. Our cosy lifestyles, lack of activity and abundance of delicious calorific foods have made us soft. In essence, all we have to do to escape our squishy exteriors is to reverse this trend. This isn't me suggesting we go full caveman, this is me suggesting we move more and exert ourselves a bit. This is me suggesting we resist the convenience of all the calorie dense, nutritionally void foods that our modern life offers and instead eat an appropriate number of calories from predominately whole foods. In theory, I should be able to end the article there, but most people (myself included) seem to have problems always sticking to these dietary suggestions, so need a bit more direct prompting.

This is why you're fat

How best you go about losing fat depends on how fat you currently are; for someone that resembles some sort of land manatee, there is no need for elaborate solutions or dieting protocols, simply slowing down their over-active snack hand and speeding up their under-active legs will see them begin to shed some fat. Hopefully nobody reading this will ever get to the stage where you are less 'a guy with a bit of fat' and more 'fat with a bit of guy'; however, morbid obesity regularly comes with a whole host of health problems, so I must put pride aside and say I'm not qualified to deal with half of that equation. Consulting a medical professional as soon as possible is (in my opinion) a must for any morbidly obese people, that is, assuming they want to vastly improve their life expectancy and quality of life.

Somewhere along the line, something went terribly, terribly wrong

What I'm going to present here is simply a set of sound dietary guidelines that will serve to let you create your own fat loss eating pattern. Notice it is not a 'diet' as I feel that word has become bastardised; a diet now implies something temporary, something you do for 6 weeks before holidays to try not spill over your bikini. So a 'diet', in the modern sense of the word, this is not. These guidelines will work very well for anyone carrying extra weight that wants to drop some unwanted fat. For already lean people wanting to get very lean, more involved strategies are necessary, but if you are that this stage you likely have a   good nutritional knowledge base or know where to look for more information. And yes, for anyone who has read my ebooks, I've copied almost all of this verbatim. Sue me. Actually don't, because I make no money off this shit.


The eating guidelines

• Eat 3 to 5 meals a day and try to keep times consistent – the number of meals you eat comes down to personal preference; 2 or less and you might feel sluggish after eating your required calories, 6 or more and each meal is pathetically small. Eating 3 to 5 meals allows you to get a good amount of vegetables in throughout the day and shouldn't have you feeling too hungry at any point. Keeping timing consistent helps regulate appetite; erratic eating schedules mess up your appetite regulating hormones, predominately ghrelin, but we’ll avoid the heavy science here. As an aside, whatever you may have heard about eating late at night, there is nothing particularly wrong with it, if you wish to have a regular small meal half an hour before you go to bed, go ahead. 

• Don’t stuff yourself, but definitely don't starve – you should always feel content after a meal, but never should the words “ugh, I'm sooo full” be uttered. 

• Eat real foods - If it has an ingredient list full of things you can't pronounce, it isn't going to do you any good. The majority of what goes in your mouth should either have had a face or have recently been growing out of the ground. Leave the factory-made fake foods on the shelf. 

The bright colours serve to attract idiots (Aside: the original print of this photo sold for $3.34 million, someone clearly didn't understand how photographs work)

• Every meal should contain an animal based protein (meat, fish or eggs) – protein is the king of macronutrients, the word even comes from the Greek proteios which means ‘primary’ and those Greeks were smart fellas. Protein is key for building your muscles and recovering from workouts, as well as having the highest ‘Thermic Effect’ of any macronutrient, that is, it raises your metabolism more than fat or carbs. You can vary your protein sources if you wish, but it's not entirely necessary. Good sources include eggs, chicken (whole, breast, legs, thighs), beef (sirloin, rump, rib-eye, any stewing cut, lean mince), pork loin, turkey, all white fish, small fatty fish (sardines, mackerel, herring), wild salmon and trout (farmed can be full of chemical nasties), prawns/shrimp, shellfish… Bad sources are anything deep fried, battered or bread crumbed; anything with very high fat levels (cheap mince, belly pork etc.) or anything preserved/processed (sausages, bacon, salami etc.)

Eat this.

• Eat unlimited amounts of non-starchy vegetables and look to implement variety – Non-starchy veg should make up a very large portion of what you are eating; you probably aren't eating enough now, so make a conscious effort to eat more. This is where your micronutrients, your vitamins and minerals, come from; they are super low in calories but high in the good stuff your body wants. Eat lots. Eat a variety. Need some ideas? Spinach, broccoli, asparagus, chard, cabbage, celery, sugar snap peas, kale, mushrooms, peppers, onions, cucumbers, carrots, courgettes, lettuces, leeks, pak choi, sprouts, radishes…

And this.

• Include small amounts of fats in your first 2-3 meals – First get over your fat-phobia; fats are necessary for optimal hormone production and help keep your blood sugar stable which will have a positive impact on your energy, mood and concentration levels. What are healthy fats? The aforementioned oily fish (sardines, mackerel etc.) are the gold standard of healthy fats; you may not like the taste at first but I really urge you to try to eat them on a semi-regular basis. Otherwise nuts such as almonds and walnuts, whole eggs, avocados and olive oil are all good fat sources. Fats to avoid are evil trans-fats i.e. those from fried foods, in cakes or biscuits, hydrogenated oils such as butter-like (but not butter) spreads and vegetable oils like corn, soy or canola. Contrary to what you may believe, saturated fats such as butter and the fat in meat are not actually bad; you shouldn't prioritize eating them, but they are far from harmful, so do not fear them. A couple of chicken legs and some steamed veggies for lunch is a much better choice than a bowl of pasta. Furthermore, if you are shallow frying, it is best to do this in a saturated fat like butter, as saturated fats don’t degrade at high heats; on the other hand many cooking oils will oxidise, forming compounds that do your body no good.

Fats are vital for the bio-synthesis of testosterone and testosterone is vital for a lean physique in both sexes (no ladies, you won't grow chest hair and a pair of throbbing balls.) 

• Only eat starchy carbs in small amounts in your last meal (non-workout days) or within a few hours of your workout – Let me first say carbs are not the devil, however most people (and especially women, sorry) eat far too many starchy carbs. Honestly, how many days a week does your meal plan look like this: Cereal, sandwich, pasta? Thus, to regain control of your insulin levels and shift some body fat, carb control strategies are effective. The reasons for eating your starches in the evening or post-workout have to do with activating your parasympathetic nervous system and eliciting a favourable insulin response, respectively. If you wish to know more about the bio-chemistry behind this, message me, as I'm sure most people aren't particularly interested.
  You may want to consume predominately gluten free starchy carb sources for a while, as around 5-10% of people have some degree of gluten sensitivity, so may experience a decrease in bloating and lethargy by cutting out gluten containing starches (barley, rye, wheat and spelt). This means your starchy carb intake will be coming from potatoes (sweet and white), rice, squash, oats, bananas (which are a starch and a sugar, but are a good choice post workout), quinoa (if you're fancy). You are going to want to eat a fairly small portion of carbs on your rest days (or everyday if you are exercise adverse), roughly twice the size of your palm, and around double this on workout days; however… 

"Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew"

• Experiment with your carb tolerance – this is where things get a bit handwavey and the problems of blanket prescriptions become apparent. Some people tolerate carbs better than others, this is just a fact. Some of you can have mounds of rice with your peppered steak, broccoli and carrots; others seemingly gain weight by looking at a potato. Not to mention that different starchy carb foods will have different densities of carbs. You are going to have to play around with your intakes a little to find your sweet spot. If you currently guzzle the carbs without getting too fat, you can probably eat a little more than the above guidelines, but can bring intake down if you are looking to drop some fat. If you are one of the unlucky ones who handle carbs badly, you might have to go as far as completely cutting out rest day starchy carbs (but still eating loads of vegetables) to see a good rate of favourable body changes. Start cautiously however, don't go straight in eating bare minimum carbs as there is little need in the majority of cases. Instead, start with the recommended amounts, if fat loss is stalling, decrease your carb intake a bit. If however you are constantly hungry (actually hungry, not just munchy, bored or having a passing craving), grumpy, obsessing over food, exhausted, and feel cold all of the time, then don’t be afraid to bump your carbs up a bit.

Left: Nailed it. Right: Less carbs, oh for the love of God less carbs.

• Drink lots of water and green tea; don’t drink you calories – the first part is self-explanatory, water flushes out toxins and drinking sufficient amounts stops your body holding water and looking ‘puffy’. Green tea is full of anti-oxidants and has been proven to reduce fat, so you're an idiot if you're not drinking it. Don’t drink your calories, the only exceptions here are a post-workout protein shake for more advanced trainees and a splash of milk in your tea or coffee. Definite no-noes are any sort of soft drink, fruit juice, smoothies, sweet wines and super-iced-mocha-frappa-latte-chinos with extra whipped cream. 

625 calories (each) of  nutritionally void, overpriced, douchiness.

• Eat only one or two pieces of fruit on most days – fruit is good for you, yes; however it contains sugar and can spike insulin. We're looking to lose fat and control insulin; this is easier if we somewhat limit fruit consumption. Exceptions are grapefruit and berries; grapefruit is low sugar and has some pretty interesting compounds which accelerate fat burning to a small degree. Berries are fairly low sugar but very high in fibre, as such the insulin response from them is very low. You can have a serving of one of these plus another 1-2 pieces of fruit a day, if you desire. Also if you wish to consume a banana as a starchy carb serving, this is fine. (Note: 1 serving is roughly 80-100g or average sized apples, oranges, bananas etc.) 

Sometimes, it's permissible to eat a bit more fruit.

• Limit dairy except for probiotic yogurt and cottage cheese – that is plain yogurt mind you. Yogurt does contain some carbs so should ideally be eaten in the evening. Personally, I eat plain yogurt with frozen berries after my evening meal most days. Yogurt is fairly low in lactose and the benefit of the probiotics outweighs any negatives from the fairly small amounts of lactose present. Other dairy doesn't offer you much; cheese is high in calories for the satiety and nutrition it provides, milk is unnecessary liquid calories and high in lactose. Cottage cheese is a decent enough cheap protein source if you know you handle dairy well, despite looking absolutely grim. As you get leaner and gain a better understanding of how your body will react to dietary changes, you can add dairy back in, if you so wish.

This was always going to be a boob picture. Just let it be.

• Try not to drink alcohol more than once a week – when you do, drink dry wines or clear spirits with diet mixers, preferably just soda water. Vodka or Gin with soda and a dash of lime is an ideal beverage for a health conscious individual. 

• Allow a ‘free meal’ once per 7-14 days – call it what you want, cheat meal, re-feed, splurge, carb up, whatever. A single, big, calorific meal (preferably the majority from carbs) can be beneficial both psychologically, as you get to eat your favourite foods, and physically as it can serve to prevent metabolic slow down. Whilst a carb heavy, lower fat meal (with protein of course) is more beneficial from a physiological point of view, this is your free meal so have whatever you want. There is still however, a rule: eat only what you can comfortably eat in one sitting; no ordering a large pizza and picking at it for a whole day; if you don't finish your meal, throw the left-overs away. It is also probably a good idea to buy your cheat meal on the day, rather than have ingredients sitting in the cupboard tempting you. Choice of day is entirely up to you, a workout day is preferred, but not essential; you can be consistent with your day of choice (e.g. ‘Faturday’), or you can have your free meal on any day as long as at least 7 days have passed since your last. With regards to how often you are re-feeding, in general, the greater the extent to which you are restricting your dietary intake, the more often your re-feeds should be.

This blog didn't have enough incredibly hot girls rollerskating, this should remedy that.

Tips

• Cook your protein sources in bulk; cooking everything when you want to eat it is hassle, it's much easier to have a few turkey breasts or a whole chicken cooked and in the fridge so you can just warm it up whilst your veggies cook.

• The ultimate way to avoid temptation by a food is to not buy it in the first place. It takes seconds of willpower not to pick up a pack of biscuits in the supermarket; if they are in your cupboard, they play on your mind all day. 

• Similarly, get rid of your take-out menus; that flyer for a pizza place isn't doing you any favours; it's just causing temptation to set in.

• Fill up on veggies. I can't say this enough. Veggies, veggies, veggies.

Popeye knows.

• Get inventive with your vegetables. Plain steamed veg are fine, but variety will keep things interesting. Try using a peeler to make ribbons of courgette and use it like you would pasta or mash cauliflower with some salt and extra virgin olive oil for a quality mashed potato substitute. 

• Plan your meals in advance as much as possible. This stops you getting caught out and then trying to justify a take-out.

• Use spices on everything. Spices make things taste good. Things tasting good makes you happy. 

This guy might look bored, but clever use of spice will keep your food interesting.

• Find a few meals that fit in the guidelines that you can cook easily and you genuinely enjoy eating, then eat them regularly. This is one of the best things you can do for diet adherence. 

• Boredom and hunger are surprisingly easy to get confused. The days you are hanging around the house with very little to do will probably require the most willpower; those when you are busy, you will no doubt barely feel hungry at all. 

• If you do fall off the wagon and have a complete shitstorm of a day as far as your diet is concerned, don’t give up and cry in a corner whilst talking about how terrible you are between scoops of Ben & Jerry’s. Instead, get right back to the plan ASAP and continue on, treating the setback for all it is, a setback.

Just do some squats and make it all better.

The human diet is a strange beast, eating isn't hard, but a large number of people will eat completely indiscriminately with no thought as to what they are putting in their body. If you are one of these people and are wondering why your body doesn't look how you want it to, have a go at implementing these guidelines and more importantly, learn to think about your nutritional intake for yourself. On the other side of the spectrum, there are also people who want to overcomplicate things and tinker with every minutiae of their intake or implement radical dietary strategies or calorie restriction. Sometimes this is necessary, for example for those that are looking to get exceptionally lean, but for the average population a more moderate approach is the best bet. As always, what is presented here is nothing more than my informed opinions on the matter, this is not a definitive guide or the holy grail of fat loss, nor would I ever claim it to be, as my ego has not yet reached Jay Z-esque proportions.

Homie, get your weight up - How to pack good weight on a skinny frame

Yeah, I'm back to hip-hop references; this one is from Villuminati on the new J. Cole album, which is worth a listen.

So we're going to talk about how to get big for all the little guys out there. As with all my articles, my suggestions are not the only way to do things, there are various methods which will bring about success; these are simply my opinions formed from research and personal experience. Disagree if you like, but I'm writing this shit for free, so do so quietly. This article will be split into 2 parts, diet and training, both of which need to be addressed if a trainee hopes to gain any meaningful amounts of quality mass.

I got more jacked. I doubt I can ever get tanned.

Diet

You have to eat big to get big, when I first started out I had a pretty weak appetite, but the main thing when you are a skinny guy looking to gain weight is just getting the calories in. "I already eat loads, I just don't gain weight" the skinnies moan. Well, you don't. If you have been trying unsuccessfully to gain weight for a while and haven't budged the scale a gram, you aren't eating enough. Read that again if it didn't sink in the first time. You are not an exception to the rules, your body is not some black hole into which calories disappear. If you are a guy with very little mass (muscle or fat), I would recommend eating (your weight in kg x 40) calories a day. Seem like a lot? Well that is your minimum. If you are training that day you will need to eat more, but BW x 40 is a good place to start.

"I've eaten, like, 6 meals today; but I just never gain weight"

To be perfectly honest, where these calories come from is secondary, whilst I don't recommend 'crap loading' i.e. eating tons of junk food to hit your calorie totals, I think you should look to eat the most calorie dense foods you can. This is so the total volume of what you are eating is not massive, but you are getting in the calories you need for growth. Milk is the cliche one recommended to skinny guys, but it's for good reason, it's full of protein and carbs and is pretty cheap and tasty, so get the milk down you (unless your lactose intolerant, which could lead to things getting messy). Yogurt can also be a very easy food to eat large amounts of and provides a good balanced amount of protein and carbs as well as probiotics; these will aid digestion, which will be a helpful thing when dramatically upping your calorie intake. Rice is the boy for carbs, it digests easily for almost everyone, so you won't get the bloat. Rice is also easy to eat; it's much easier to eat 500 calories of rice than 500 calories of potatoes. Oats are also a good quality carb source which are fairly easy to eat large amounts of, add in some dried fruit as another dense carb source for maximum gains. Beans are an overlooked carb source and one which also packs a decent amount of protein. However, they might not sit well with everyone's digestion, if you handle them well, they are a good addition to a bulking diet; if not, eat them anyway, because flatulence is hilarious.

Serge Nubret ate rice and beans on the daily. Who are you to argue with these mass-thetics?

When it comes to protein, don't shy away from less lean protein sources like chicken thighs/legs/wings and beef mince; there is nothing wrong with animal fats, they add calories in a delicious way and are necessary for the synthesis of hormones (most importantly testosterone) in your body. Beefs gets you huge, chicken gets you jacked. It's science. Ditto for eggs; protein, fats and tastiness, all in a little package; eggs get you yoked (sorry). Another benefit of fattier cuts of meat and eggs is that they tend to be significantly cheaper than leans meats like chicken breast, making a bulking diet easier on the wallet than might be expected.

It doesn't matter which part you choose. Dead cow = gains.

As mentioned, fats are integral for proper hormone synthesis and when bulking they are an easy way to get calories in. Oily fish is top stuff, it might be an acquired taste for some, but I really urge everyone to try it. Omega 3 fats have a slew of positive benefits in the body which I have covered previously in my supplement article. Nuts and nut butters are another great way to some good quality calories down, providing a modest dose of protein and a hefty dose of fats to support production of the big T; also they are delicious, if someone doesn't like peanut butter I genuinely question their sanity. I'm not a huge fan of adding oils to meals to boost their fat/calorie content, like many suggest. I think whole foods which are high in fats and calories such as the aforementioned fatty meats, fish, eggs, nuts as well as things like avocados, coconut milk, full fat dairy and dark chocolate are better choices both in terms of micronutrients provided and enjoyability, which is an important factor to consider for those that have struggled to gain weight through lack of appetite.

It's a mutual love.

The last sentence of the last paragraph eludes to possibly the most important point in gaining weight for the skinny guy. Find calorific foods you enjoy eating and can eat large amounts of. Then eat them. Lots. Then eat some more. Figuring out a way to eat sufficient calories that doesn't feel like a complete chore is probably the most important aspect of a sustainable weight gaining plan; unfortunately, only you can do that as we all have different tastes. As I stated above, I believe the majority of your calories should be coming from whole foods, this ensures you get adequate micronutrients (vitamins and minerals) and is a smart idea for general health. This doesn't mean fun foods are off the table however. For example, a meal consisting of a huge bowl of beef chilli with a big serving of rice and some carrots and broccoli (for fibre and vitamins), followed by a bowl of ice cream, is perfectly acceptable for a skinny guy looking to bulk up. Follow an 80/20 rule, with (minimum) 80% of your calories coming from whole foods and (maximum) 20% from treats and junk, and you can't go too far wrong.

Snickers pie. If you're bulking, go for it. If you're a fatty, look away now, lest you start licking the screen.

Supplements always come up when talking to guys looking to gain weight; I'm sorry to tell you guys, there is no magic brand of protein which will get you huge and ripped. For my supplement recommendations, go here. The short of it is that buying a good whey powder such as one from BulkPowders (use the code DC40501 for £5 off orders over £15) for consumption post-workout is smart; some creatine will also be beneficial and is cheap, but is far from a necessity. As explained in my first supplement article, I'm not a fan of weight gainers. In general, they are massively overpriced combinations of some protein and metric fuck-tonne of sugars (maltodextrin and dextrose are just sugars fyi), sometimes with a little bit of fats thrown in for good measure. Want a weight gain shake? Ask and ye shall receive:

DC's GetFuckingJackedShake2.0

500ml whole milk
3 eggs
30g whey (optional)
50g oats
2 bananas
Cocoa/honey/maple syrup/peanut butter/frozen berries etc to taste (optional)

That is going to pack around 900 calories/40g protein without whey, over 1000 calories/65g protein with whey. Any optional extras will only serve to boost the calories and possibly protein, depending on choice. It also has the benefit of being cheap and actually containing some micronutrients, unlike the majority of powdered weight gainers off the shelf. Drink one of them a day for a few months in addition to a few large meals a day and see if you're still a waif of a man.

Contrary to popular belief, buying a weight gainer does not automatically make you a beefcake.

As far as meal timing and frequency goes, when you are a man in need of some meat on his bones, timing is when you want and frequency is as often as you can. Most skinny guys with low appetites will have problems putting away a huge meal all at once, so eating often is probably a good plan. I know I espoused all the benefits of intermittent fasting in my last article, however for the trainee that struggles with lack of appetite, it will likely be too much of an effort to eat the required calories in the eating window. As a tip, when bulking, it really pays to be prepared. Stock up and stock up well. Have a fridge (and freezer) full of beef and chicken, have a few kilos of rice and some big bags of nuts in the cupboard, always have at least 2 litres of milk in the fridge, you get the idea. Also cook in large batches in advance, especially your protein sources as these can take a little while. These strategies will make missing a meal a thing of the past, if you always have something cooked, you will have no excuse for not getting your daily calories in.

Training

Getting big requires some testicular fortitude. Prepare to move heavy shit.

Obviously, you can't gain any appreciable amount of muscle without some heavy weight training to go with your newly increased caloric intake. For guys that are predisposed to looking like they have just been freed from Auschwitz, heavy volume routines are not a good idea. These guys need to lift as big as they can every time they are in the gym, but allow sufficient time in between sessions for recovery or they will not grow. Full body routines are also the way to go for naturally skinny guys, having a day devoted to your biceps isn't going to do shit if you will buckle over with 60kg on your shoulders. We will look to build strength and mass concurrently, but understand that when you are beginning as a natural trainee, muscle mass follows strength. On to the basic outline of the programme then:

• You'll lift 3 times a week, I've listed them as Day 1, 3 and 5. This can be shifted to whatever days fit your schedule, however the days should be spaced as prescribed.
• 2 x 6 means 2 sets of 6 reps each; 1 x 6+ means a set of at least 6, but you should aim for as many reps as you can with good form; AMRAP means as many reps as possible.
• Warm up well by lifting progressively heavier weights before your work sets (only work sets are listed here). e.g. if you can squat 60kg for 6 reps, you would warm up with some body weight squats, then say 20 for 8, 40 for 4, 50 for 2; or something like that. You should feel ready with no muscle stiffness, but you shouldn't fatigue your muscles.
• Rest 2-3 minutes between work sets.
• You will need to initially work out what weights are challenging for the prescribed reps on each exercise. Once you have done so, you will aim to add the smallest weight plate your gym has (usually a 1.25kg) to each side of the bar every workout. Alternatively, you can start with an empty bar and use larger jumps in weight for a short period of time.
• The 6+ sets should not be taken to absolute failure; you should stop when you do not believe you can perform the next rep with safe form. That said give these sets everything you have got, don’t quit a set thinking you could have done more. Get psyched for your set, listen to music that pumps you, get angry if you have to; the worst thing you can do is not try your hardest.
• If you can lift the new weight for 3 sets of 6, move up next session. If in your final set (i.e. 6+), you get 9 or more good reps, you can move up by a larger increment, if you so wish.
• If you fail to get 3 sets of 6 reps, do not move the weight up.
• If you fail to get 3 sets of 6 reps consecutively on the same weight, take 10-20% off the bar and start the process over (this may seem like you're moving back, but you aren't because the 6+ set will allow you to push yourself and set new records, a sure sign that you are making progress).
• Keep a notebook and write the details of your workouts, you should have a record what weights you lifted and for how many reps/sets for any given workout. Keep records to break records.
• Have a spotter or use a correctly set safety rack for all sets.
• Look up good exercise form (this and this are handy resources).

...but not for you, bony boy. Learn good form and gym etiquette.

DC's skinny guy Programme


Day 1

Squat 2x6, 1x6+
Bench Press 2x6, 1x6+
Barbell bent-over rows 2x6, 1x6+


Day 3

Deadlift 2x6, 1x6+
Dips 2x10 (add weight if necessary; use an assisted dip machine or substitute close grip bench presses if you can’t do10 BW dips)
Standing Barbell Curls 2x10
Hanging leg raise (strict) 2xAMRAP


Day 5

Squat 2x6, 1x6+
Overhead Press 2x6, 1x6+
Pull-ups (any grip) 2x6, 1x6+ (add weight if necessary; use lat-pull downs if you can’t do at least 6 BW pull-ups)

Note: Fuck cardio. You are skinny, cardio is counter productive. If you are an athlete in a sport with high aerobic demands, adjust your calorie intake up accordingly

They might run a good tri, but these physiques aren't making any women weak at the knees.

This is a basic outline that covers all bases; you are squatting, deadlifting, pushing and pulling. These are the things that build muscle, skinny beginners have little use for endless sets of isolation exercises focused on little muscles, that can come when you are more advanced (I'm talking multiple years), if you wish. You may notice some slightly more isolation work on Day 3, there are a couple of reasons for this. Firstly, deadlifting is hard work; as a newbie, it may take it out of you, so the arm work gives you something you'll be able to get yourself enthused to do after the brutality of heavy deads. Secondly, one of the main things bemoaned about very basic training routines is the lack of enthusiasm after a while due to not having 'fun' exercises. While this is stupid, it is a complaint made by many, so Day 3 is your day where you can get a bit of pump and work the beach muscles, which should satisfy most. Thirdly, while these exercises may be veering into 'isolation' territory, they are all very valuable exercises which, whilst maybe not as beneficial as squats, deads and big presses and pulls, will go a ways towards building strength as well as muscle.

As a final note, I actually lied when I said there are 2 areas that need to be addressed; there are 3, but the 3rd one, rest and recovery, is easy. Sleep 8 hours a night, eat as suggested above and train no more than prescribed and your rest and recovery should be ample.

Unless you have better things to be doing in bed.

There you have it, my advice to skinny dudes looking to get jacked. You may find the specifics of what I have described are exactly what you have been looking for and go on to make great gains. You may also not get on very well with what I have written and make good progress using an altered plan. This is fine; ends is ends but the means are just the means. Some central principles remain however: Eat big. Train hard. Rest lots. If you follow those, you can't go too far wrong.